A Broken Hallelujah
by Sephy-Stabbity
Summary: The hardest thing is to watch the one you love, love someone else. Sei/Youko.


A/N: So Sephy was supposed to be researching Chanel for her marketing class, but ended up writing another Sei/Youko story instead ( so what else is new). Be warned, this one is darker and less humourous than my other S/Y stories.  
**  
A Broken Hallelujah**

-  
_Your bodies are already entangled in each other, and her mouth is desperately seeking yours. Her face is a mere shadow in the moonlight, as her lips leave trails of kisses down your body. It's like her touch slips past your skin, and reaches some part of your body deep inside, some primal part that you didn't know existed._

_Maybe it's better that you can't see her now, as she loses control like this, yet angry and ashamed at herself for doing so. It makes you want to just gather her up and press every part of her body flush against yours. Just you and her, so tightly wound up against each other, so that nothing can reach between, not even the air, the lack of which is threatening to pull the both of you apart right now._

_At times like this, all you want to do is protect her. You want to her hold for long enough that she forgets the voice that calls out to her in the middle of night, asking her to sprout wings and fly away to a place that doesn't exist._

_It's around the time when you start thinking that, that she stops. You realize her lips have pulled away from yours, and she is saying something. You focus on what she is asking you.  
_  
ooo

"Are you sure?" Sei asks. God only knew why she even bothers. She must know by now that the answer would be yes.  
But Sei still waits for an answer.  
So Youko says "Yes" and they continue.  
Because, this is what they do. They get drunk, they have sex, and then they leave and pretend it never happened.

ooo

"Is this really how you want to live your life?" Eriko asks her one day, when they meet up to catch up.  
Youko doesn't bother with pretending to ask her what she's talking about.  
"Running after her every single time she gets cold feet? Is that all you want in life?"  
"It's not that simple."  
"It's not like you can't get someone else." Eriko states this as a matter of fact.  
"I know." is Youko's reply. She looks down at her hands, splayed palm-down on the table, inspecting them as intently as Eriko is inspecting her face.  
"It's a lost cause. She's too caught up in the past to want anything serious."  
"I know."  
Eriko sucks in her breath and then exhales loudly, annoyed. "So why her? Why on earth HER?"  
Youko avoids her friend's gaze, and doesn't answer.  
_I don't know._

ooo

Sei looks heartbreakingly beautiful when asleep. Youko would never have believed that same energetic energetic blonde that wreaks havoc by day, would sleep so peacefully at night.  
Her hand yearns to reach out and touch Sei's face, so invitingly open. But she resists, afraid that the touch will wake Sei up.  
This hadn't been part of her life plan, she thinks. Graduating university with high honors, and getting accepted into law school was part of it. Becoming a corporate lawyer and saving the world is still part of it.  
Falling for a struggling writer, who was still tormented by the memories of a past lover, had never ever been part of it.  
The worst thing is that, when all is said and done, Youko can't imagine her life now with out Sei in it.  
The drunken late-night hook-ups, the meaningless sex, the empty bed in the morning; she would take all those, if that was the way to keep Sei in her life.

ooo

Someday, Eriko figures, Sei is probably going to drive that old Beetle of hers through a wall. It will probably be raining, and the accident will happen not late after midnight, well before the sun breaks. She can see the grotesque details in her mind; the car crunched into itself, the sand spilled on the street to absorb the blood, Sei herself unconscious, being carried into an emergency vehicle. Eriko doesn't think she would survive. No, Sei would probably take one last look at the sky, before the ambulance doors close, and then she would shut her eyes forever.

And, Eriko realizes, it will be Youko who sets up the funeral, contacts Sei's ever-travelling parents, and arranges for everyone to attend the event.

Something sharp shoots through Eriko's heart at this thought. She thinks this is what despair must feel like; this anger and this powerful sadness, at not being able to do anything. She wonders why on earth she is experiencing such a feeling. She is too young, _much too young_, to be feeling this.

_When did it all go wrong? One day we were on top of the world. How did we become like this?_

ooo

"Angels don't appear except in stories."  
"Wrong." Sei answers. "An angel appeared to me." And then she smiled at Youko, mischievously.  
"Liar," smiles Youko, playing along. They are in a play, she feels. Anyone overhearing them now would smile fondly, laughing at the love-struck antics of a newly-formed couple.  
"Oh, but its the truth." Sei purrs, hands sneaking around Youko's waist, and moving upwards unabashedly, regardless of the fact that they are in a public place.  
Youko thinks she should probably demur once again, or mutter something about Sei's charming ways not winning her over. But it's not in her to reply that way.  
"I know." she says instead, frankly, and immediately wishes she could take the words back.  
Sei freezes momentarily. She looks like a lost child, unsure of how to proceed. Then her smile reappears, her hand resumes its indecent groping, and she continues her flamboyant declarations.  
But the magic is broken and the curtains have come down. Because Youko forgot her lines.  
She wants to say something, anything, to defuse the sudden tension, but the words stick in her throat, and she can feel the tears gathering in the corner of her eyes.  
_There's an angel, but it's not me, Sei.  
_  
ooo

Is it a trick, Eriko wonders, their way of knowing what each other is thinking? She has never met another pair like those two, who who can follow each other's unspoken words so perfectly, so that nothing ever needs to be said between them.

Surely, she thinks, no one but two people meant for each other, could share such a wonderful gift.

_You could be happy like this, Sei. If only you let yourself be._

ooo

"I can't do this anymore." Youko says quietly. She pulls away from Sei's light embrace, and jumps down from the ledge they've both been sitting on.  
Sei is staring at her, eyes fathomless. She hasn't made a move to come down.  
"I'm not going to be doing this with you anymore." Youko reiterates, staring right into Sei's eyes. She herself is suprised at how firm her voice sounds, so unlike the uncertainty that is tearing her up inside.  
"What do you want, Sei? Happiness, or a memory of it?"  
There is not answer from her companion.  
"When you're ready to make a choice, you can come find me."  
She meant to make a quiet exit after that, but remembered too late that it had been Sei's car that brought them here. They have an awkward ride home, with Sei focused on the road and Youko staring unfocusedly out the window until they reach her house.

ooo

Surprisingly, Sei shows up for Youko's graduation from law school. Even brings her a present.  
"I made it in shop class years ago. Myself." the troublemaker says, pride evident in the smile playing around her lips.  
Youko surveys the gift. It's an assembly of two revolving birds made of wood. They turn out of sync with each other, so that when one is facing forwards, the other faces back.  
_So fucking subtle as a train-wreck is her style._  
Youko looks up and smiles at Sei.  
"I get it." she says.

ooo

Youko looks up at her. She's smiling. It's a sad smile, almost angelic in its despair.  
Sei forgets. She thinks for a second, that this is what it must feel like for a heart to be break. For _her_ heart to break.  
Then Youko says "I get it." She walks away, going back to where her parents are chatting around the drinks table.  
Sei doesn't go after her.  
She remembers now. You can't break a heart that was never there in the first place.

ooo

Somehow, even in the moment that she walks away, Youko is perversely happy, because Sei actually remembered to come.

ooo

It is one of those nights. Sei has been walking aimlessly about, unable to sit still.  
She arrives at the beach just as sun is setting. The tides must be going out soon, she thinks. She should probably just head back.  
She decides to stay anyways.  
It seems there is another person sharing the beach with her. A little boy, barely tall enough to reach her knees, is walking aimlessly in the sand, drawing shapes with a stick that he drags behind him. He stares at her in the unabashed way that children often stare at a stranger.  
Oh a whim, she goes towards him. He stops what he is doing, eyes fixed on her.  
"Wanna hear a story?" she asks, randomly. "It's about an angel."  
He stares. She supposes any child would. Then his mouth opens.  
"Angels aren't real. Even I know that", he says, adding "Stupid adult."  
And he walks away, leaving her alone on the beach.

ooo

-END-

A/N: The title is from Hallelujah, written by Leonard Cohen. I was listening to it while I wrote...which explains why this turned out so existential and angsty, I guess. Feel free to point out typos/grammar mistakes...I have no beta so this is edited by only me.

I'm not sure whether I should continue it or leave it like this. What do you think? Did you like the story? Hate it? Does it make you wanna roast me alive over a spit? R&R and tell what you think :)


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